Chemo Day 1: 12/31 Ending the year with a bang.

Still Steroided out ...new steroid routine....new chemo lab, mostly new medical team...home town ... OHSU this time. Same old bad dream...Late stage 3C Ovarian cancer.  New twist ..... Reoccurrence. Not very encouraging.

They wear the hazmat suits here when they brining it all in and connect the chemo ...that just drives home what we are really doing. 

My nurse explaines to me, they wear them because if it gets on their skin it can burn right through, and as she doesn't have cancer....right. As she's pre hooking me up to pump this same dangerous poison INTO my body THROUGH my veins for the next few hours to kill the cancer trying to kill me I try to stare out the window and pretend I'm not thinking about dying while watch seagulls dip and dive...the steroids and premed  snow working their way into my bloodstream kind of give them tracers... My imagination lends them color.

We exchange small talk trying not to focus on what is and unintentionally I keep returning to the raw reality... Bucket lists what comes next ... Tears and I keep apologizing like. Some how I could have stopped this... I feel like I'm torturing them trying to hold on... So I could be here longer with them.

 Munkee gets to come with me now...and we had a private room service animal emotional support ...my nurse kind burst into the room hazmated from head to toe holding my bag if toxins out from her .. Suprized him and his cute lil less then 5 lbs decided she was dangerous and NOT touching me jumped up stood across me with every intention of protecting "mommy" with every fiber of his long tubular wennie body ....for 5 seconds he was ALL Doberman ...secretly cute for me ... So much love for me in his little tiny body.... Not as cute for the nurse she didn't admit it but I'm pretty sure she tinkled in her pants some. He sounded like a very big vicious dog.

 After convincing him she was ok ...he laid in my lap soaking up the sun coming through the window a for the next few hours...a luxury we don't have in our studio...  I then listened to him, and my papa snoring out of tune with the clicking whirling of the chemo pumps...noise from the rest of the lab and the seagulls outside the window all conducting strange melody I've gotten too familiar with .. The trying not to die song. 

At least for the MOment they both knew peace.