May 23, 2018 So far...

So far ....the parp inhibitors are staying down...I feel like crap though...earlier after a sip I realized coffee doesn't taste like a good idea so I'm grumpy AF on top of it..working on a headache ...probably caffeine related since I had been making it a bit stronger .. not the spoon melting sludge I used to make but it wasn't tea anymore either ... so laying here trying to distract myself from the constant idea of hurling ... randomly skipping through youtube ....and then cue the waterworks. There are LAYERS of why this MOved me.

Made me think of all of you helping supporting me through what has almost been 5 years... from the always uplifting words to those physically in person, All truth ...I dont think I would still be here if it wasn't for you... I'm better with visuals then words, ....and I am so grateful I am still here to be able to create them awhile longer.. I have a bunch of pics I need to edit...worked a lot on some #artisthealthyself-ness this last week knowing from experience the chemo would knock me on my ass....and it has.

....soon as my stomach settles I'll smear some more of my soul on canvas... the easel calls to me like it used to... bit narcissistic since I'm painting myself for the Resistance show...but its also helping me heal some of the wounds you can't see... helping me take central focus off of cancer helping me reclaim my broken pieces and recreate what that #LIFE looks like for me.

LOVE

May 20 2018 Rosanna Rosannadana

Meant to share this earlier ..but its been a very emotional day...weekend...last almost 5 yrs

 ...Rosanna Rosannadana better known as Gilda Radner died in 1989 today from Ovarian Cancer.

...I will be starting the parp inhibitors again tomorrow night

 ..have to sit around all day MOnDAY waiting for the fed-ex person 

some time between 8am-8pm to sign for the meds kinda ish .

..but who am I kidding...not like I go anywhere anyway 

good home spaness should happen though...

Yes I said again ......didn't share the 1st try ...it was very unsuccessful

...I was horribly sick and basically fell apart after months of being brave 

and being strong ..it was too much...a few of you noted my absence ..

....these parp inhibitors were supposed to be 

easy breezy extend my remission for meezzy 

blah blah blah .. their not...I was sick just like chemo ...and might be 

2 weeks-2 months straight as my body "acclimates" 

...pretty sure that's not how they were originally sold to me.

I'm currently struggling not to stay down/depressed.

.....choices ...be sorta sick all the time so I dont have to be really sick 

sooner then later translates to ...would you like me to shoot you in this foot...

or the other foot???...I also don't get to see the shrink I was seeing anymore

 because I'm no longer on "in the vein/hardcore" chemo ...but the new place 

their sending me doesn't have room right now...soooo maybe in a month 

"hang in there" they said over cheery when hanging up...meanwhile I'm popping

 anti depressants every 12 hrs trying to ..."hang in there"...because what else 

can I do trying not to focus on the negatives ...easier said then done. 

Positive vibes for tomorrow night ...next couple of months .. 

I really want these to help me stay in remission longer.

May 18, 2018

don't wait for something 

like cancer to force change...

do not allow yourself to stagnate.