10/9/18 I may have to ready myself for round #4

Just got my most recent CA125 back ...my numbers have gone back up to 40. I'm under A LOT of stress right now...packing to move among other things and hoping the numbers are up because of the stress ... some have noted my absence on FB lately.

I'm also a mess because 3/3 times the numbers went up previously...it was because the cancer was back. Not a lot else to say about that... trying to find balance in hoping its not but also accepting I may have to ready myself for round #4 ...it's only been 5 months.

PLEASE throw some positive energy out there for me ... we're going to check again in a few weeks to see if they have gone up CT scan if need be...sooner if I start feeling worse.

Sept 28, 2018 OHSU's Biennial Teal Time

Last night I attended/ OHSU had their Biennial Teal Time event for Ovarian Cancer patients, their families and staff of The Women's Center for Health. I was also fortunate enough to be asked to guide a Teal Time Art experience for a little under 100 people who attended...we painted and collaged little 4"x4" canvases together while sharing our stories

.... I say fortunate because I was having a really bad day right before the event happened ...add to it I forgot to take my camera with me...Turns out .. it was one of the best things that could have happened ...instead of standing " outside" what was happening looking for the best picture angle.. I was fully immersed in the experience... barefoot in my paint overalls Munkee at my side...talking with people who have been going through the same things I have....people from different backgrounds coming together.... celebrating each other despite this terrible disease that connects us all ...realizing that at 5 years.. I'm an veteran among the women afflicted there... humbling

They asked me to speak as well ...those of you who know me close.. know how much I LOVE (eye roll) public speaking ...but like I said then and I say every time I do it...the subject /reason I'm speaking is more important then my fear of doing it... I don't like doing it...don't appreciate the herd of elephants moshing in my gut...but it's something I'm willing to do anyway, because it's important.

I gave them a short bio on who I was as a local artist and my story as a cancer patient and then read them the artist statement from the Resistance group show..(I'll post it in comments)

After the speakers those who had not already started painting with us joined and we painted and shared stories and laughs ...and everyone loved Munkee up until the evening ended

Talking with my Dad while he was taking me home ... I kept asking if I had done well and telling him I always feel like what I do is not enough

...just now typing this I burst out in tears realizing "why" called my dad and talked through the emotions... I just wanted my dad to be proud of me...and he is I know he is ..simultaneously I heard myself say " that's one for the bucket list" ..because I was looking for approval through someone else...unable to accept myself as is

...those who know me also know I am very hard on myself nothing is ever good enough .. I could have done more...always room for improvement...could have been...

Top of my bucket list isn't traveling or meeting people 
... it's learning to love and accept myself fully 
as I am for what I am.. I am enough.

Sept 8, 2018 Five years

It's been 5 years... and I am still here.

June 15 , 2018 Checking in...

Checking in ...

Been kinda online absent trying to regulate these parp inhibitors ...messed up a few days ago and missed my nausea meds which sent me spiraling into a 3 day migraine/barfing fit of doing not much more then laying in the dark trying not to barf or have my head implode....which fortunately seems to maybe be over this morning .. in some ways these parps are almost harder then reg chemo ... its like being on day 3-4 chemo EVERY DAY no break no up time...just try to hold on and enjoy the ride until you hopefully acclimate to them and accept the "new norm" ...its been so long I don't remember what "feeling good" feels like... hard to be or feel happy when you feel like crap ...gonna make myself bawl if I keep typing and considering I just got rid of the migraine ..best if I don't...I'm not giving up or falling apart ..I've come too far for that ...just venting.

May 23, 2018 So far...

So far ....the parp inhibitors are staying down...I feel like crap though...earlier after a sip I realized coffee doesn't taste like a good idea so I'm grumpy AF on top of it..working on a headache ...probably caffeine related since I had been making it a bit stronger .. not the spoon melting sludge I used to make but it wasn't tea anymore either ... so laying here trying to distract myself from the constant idea of hurling ... randomly skipping through youtube ....and then cue the waterworks. There are LAYERS of why this MOved me.

Made me think of all of you helping supporting me through what has almost been 5 years... from the always uplifting words to those physically in person, All truth ...I dont think I would still be here if it wasn't for you... I'm better with visuals then words, ....and I am so grateful I am still here to be able to create them awhile longer.. I have a bunch of pics I need to edit...worked a lot on some #artisthealthyself-ness this last week knowing from experience the chemo would knock me on my ass....and it has.

....soon as my stomach settles I'll smear some more of my soul on canvas... the easel calls to me like it used to... bit narcissistic since I'm painting myself for the Resistance show...but its also helping me heal some of the wounds you can't see... helping me take central focus off of cancer helping me reclaim my broken pieces and recreate what that #LIFE looks like for me.

LOVE

May 20 2018 Rosanna Rosannadana

Meant to share this earlier ..but its been a very emotional day...weekend...last almost 5 yrs

 ...Rosanna Rosannadana better known as Gilda Radner died in 1989 today from Ovarian Cancer.

...I will be starting the parp inhibitors again tomorrow night

 ..have to sit around all day MOnDAY waiting for the fed-ex person 

some time between 8am-8pm to sign for the meds kinda ish .

..but who am I kidding...not like I go anywhere anyway 

good home spaness should happen though...

Yes I said again ......didn't share the 1st try ...it was very unsuccessful

...I was horribly sick and basically fell apart after months of being brave 

and being strong ..it was too much...a few of you noted my absence ..

....these parp inhibitors were supposed to be 

easy breezy extend my remission for meezzy 

blah blah blah .. their not...I was sick just like chemo ...and might be 

2 weeks-2 months straight as my body "acclimates" 

...pretty sure that's not how they were originally sold to me.

I'm currently struggling not to stay down/depressed.

.....choices ...be sorta sick all the time so I dont have to be really sick 

sooner then later translates to ...would you like me to shoot you in this foot...

or the other foot???...I also don't get to see the shrink I was seeing anymore

 because I'm no longer on "in the vein/hardcore" chemo ...but the new place 

their sending me doesn't have room right now...soooo maybe in a month 

"hang in there" they said over cheery when hanging up...meanwhile I'm popping

 anti depressants every 12 hrs trying to ..."hang in there"...because what else 

can I do trying not to focus on the negatives ...easier said then done. 

Positive vibes for tomorrow night ...next couple of months .. 

I really want these to help me stay in remission longer.

May 18, 2018

don't wait for something 

like cancer to force change...

do not allow yourself to stagnate.

4/24/18 Love Notes

LOVE notes from my GrandDoodle

Found out GREAT NEWS yesterday ...

I AM OFFICIALLY 

BACK IN REMISSION 

AND DONE WITH CHEMO!

My numbers are low enough I don't need to do the last infusion.

I will start the parp inhibitors in about a month. pills twice a day 
for the rest of my life, until they stop working or they find a cure
...along with some anti depressants, as I am dealing with some
 emotional issues, both re: cancer and life so far... which I have
 decided to also see a shrink on the regular too.. both A LOT for me
 to face and confront..but hiding it/from it doesn't heal it either.

Focusing my warrior energy on believing/knowing that they will
 help me to have a much longer remission 
Dr. suggested closer to 2 yrs...IF...

IF I can deal with the "chemo like side affects"..that's the trade off...
 long remission/not having chemo = to feel like your doing chemo.
She said some people acclimate to the drug and the side affects
 may go away/lessen after a few months ... here's to pos. energy 
I wont be one of those battling side affects

 ...right now I am celebrating the MOment.

cancer 0 < that artist chic 3

No break....still work to do 

...time to get my immune system back 

and heal my body from chemo

Thank YOU everyone who has helped me

from positive healing/fighting energy to in person

..words are not enough ...but 

THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU!!