October 31 Night sweats body aches exhaustion insomnia tears...

October 31
Night sweats body aches exhaustion insomnia tears...
Due to my allergic reactions to the taxol...no chemo today ...postponed until tomorrow ..extra steroids right now and in the morning plus some other new drugs and we try tomorrow 8am instead...sooo not happy about the 8am ..nor the probably wont sleep tonight either..grumble grumble blah blah

October 27 blanket

October 27
came back from the bathroom and found my blanket trying to freak me out 

October 25 Just to remind me

October 25
Just to remind me that this is cancer not a cake walk I was up all night hurling so bad my tum muscles ache still... This is only Round 2 ... I still have 5 months of this? My allergic reaction to the Taxol (1 of 2 chemo Meds they give me) .. And by allergic reaction I mean I turn bright red and stop breathing ... Messes up our plans for the once a month heavy dose of chemo we were planning for the next round and using the gut port they put in me because it's a fast gravity flush of chemo straight into the abdominal cavity and then they turn you every 20 min to make sure it "coats" every internal organ that had cancer on/in it... Patient needs to be breathing to really make that "work" ... Next fun thing they warned me to look forward to this week.. Probably going to loose all my hair...ALL of my hair. ...everywhere ...sexy. Not. So. Much. Grumpy today... Barfing for 10 hrs will often do that to ya though won't it. On a up note... I just farted ... Only in cancer/bowel surgery land is that a good thing. YAY for farting! ...Means my guts are finally catching up and trying to function again. Gonna lay here and whimper for a while. Love you all.

October 24 Chemo round 2

October 24
Chemo round 2 ... Plugged in & oxygenated ...allergic reaction again.. Not cute but they, expecting it, caught before it was as bad as last time ...looks like treatment days are gonna be extra long ones.. Yay?!? ...not so much.

October 23 Dr. Visit today

October 23
Dr. Visit today to set my markers and get ready for chemo round 2 tomorrow ...truth..for the most part feelin pretty strong

October 20..spoke too soon

October 20
Not a lot to say right now ...the 1st 48 hrs wasn't too bad actually most likely because of the feel good cocktail they gave me before the chemo ....however....sicker then a dog last few days today I can barely keep water down...just want to curl up in a ball and cry...not a good day

October 17 Chemo day #1

October 17
Chemo day #1: after my checkup yesterday I was passed again but they changed my treatment plan to lighter but more frequent chemo 1..8....15....week off .. And then evaluate how I'm doing if we can increase dosage...still loosing too much weight.....not to bad so far....except the allergic reaction to the Taxol (sp) face/neck turned bright red couldn't breathe instant panic NOT A CUTE SCENE...with the panic I was ready to rip and run NOW: 15 min left on my second Chemo Carobplatin this second one has been a breeze comparatively 45 min compared to 2+ hrs on the Taxol... Tired... so far ...it is as/and better then expected..LOVE

October 15 It's the side effects

October 15

It's not really the cancer that breaks you down... It's the side effects of and the "cures" ...I've been "online quiet" just trying to focus... Make it through "today"... ready myself for tomorrow. Can't really look to far past that. This pain riddled MOment is it.. With a blurry "maybe" just out of hands grasp. I can't relate to life as it was...so dramatically different and yet simplified to some very raw quality of life basics ... Can we get any food in... Is waste coming out..how many days has it been ...how much pain "What is your pain level 1-10 ?" always floating in between the other questions. Trying to maintain some sense of positivity despite all that and the hormonal chemical reality of being gutted like a fish...because cancer by its self wasn't reason enough to feel emotionally hysterical ...days are centuries tar and feathered in pain layered in questions ...simple things taking forever... And in the same time precious MOment flying past...feeling wasted waiting... I think I'm going to cut off what's left of my hair today. Chemo starts Thursday.

October 9 ...the body wont

October 9
...the body wont ....but the mind still can. 

October 8 I JUST. DO NOT. UNDERSTAND.

October 8
Spent yesterday at the hospital being tested to see if I'm healed enough for chemo... loosing too much weight...railroad track runs down my belly now...not eating enough ...Spent today anxious...my hairs gone.... life in general and not so general on cold turkey...out of sorts...this isn't me ..where am I ...weak barely can walk across the room.... let alone run away as fast as I can...... forcing myself to eat ..must get my protein up chemo's coming .. add ..everyone has questions wants answers, choices ..decisions...now now now...calm down dont get all worked up... mass overwhelming me while individually not intending to .....I don't want to be rude but at the same time I want scream until my vocal cords bleed leave me alone for a minute ...cause apparently I have "cancer"..and I JUST. DO NOT. UNDERSTAND.

October 5 Hair today... Gone tomorrow.

October 5
Hair today... Gone tomorrow. 

Monk cut my hair off today ready-ing myself for chemo. 
He did a great job loving and gentle made it so mama barely cried at all. 
LOVE YOU MONK 

October 4 The only way to conquer.

October 4
The only way to conquer... is to create.
 ~ Michael Crenshaw 
WWFD? ...Need to get the lab in functional order so I can paint on days I feel well enough. I was in mid swirl when the big C decided to drop in and blow up all my plans. ..On average to be honest ..I don't feel sick ... Beat up lil but not SICK sick... And then I see the way people look at me... Or I try to move and the body can't do what the mind wants ... And finally ... I look at myself ... And I know there is no denying it ...I'm really SICK sick.. And I fluctuate back n forth between sad and anger/irritation...mainly selfish...WHY ME? But not really feeling fear until I'm faced with the "NOW"ness of the situation. Needles coming at me etc...

NOW ... What a packed word it is. 

....I want<NEED 
all my nows! 
... All of them.

October 1, 2013 she has been home for 5 days

October 1, 2013 

Leslie Anne:
Update on my daughter, Mo

She has been home for 5 days, has an infection started in her incision but caught early I believe - started on antibiotics & starting chemo next week. Her path report came back high grade serous carcinoma with 5 metastasis. Please continue your prayers and positive thoughts for her. Thank You!

October 2, 2013 at 3:37pm
There are 2 types of serous carcinoma - low grade (easier to treat) & high grade. Ovarian cancer tends to spread within the abd - it was attached to her spleen, liver, diaphragm, both ovaries & both Fallopian tubes, part of her sigmoid colon was removed (they were able to save her from having a colostomy) & 2 out of 3 pelvic lymph nodes were also malignant. I guess that is more than five....she had acites (fluid in the abd) pretty bad - it's full of the cancer cells which is why they can't cure it. If she responds to the chemo she can go into remission - 5 years is considered a long remission they said it will come back & then they do the chemo again. She much wants to see her grandaughter grow up. Prayers have been studied & do good for the person being prayed for (even if the person doesn't know about it) so Thank You All for your prayers & positive thoughts!