November 29 2013 need to focus on not biting anyone

November 29

I really dislike the whole "black" Friday title ...and yes before someone smart feels they need to tell me that it means being financially clear not in the red blah blah blah ...let's be real NO ONE out shopping is "in the black"....It's a whats not going to be in your wallet if its not already "holiday" ...."That" energy is out there emass and I had to travel through it ... And it's Chemo Friday. Had to do it today in as different place then normal got here at 10:30 didn't get plugged in until noon they are just hooking up my second chemo...The people are different ..they wear a damn hazmat looking kit when changing the bags...#TMF Doesn't exact strengthen the trust bond we already don't have.. 

They left me on the steroids too long before balancing with the Benadryl... Set a angry anxious mood it's hard to shake. NOT their fault ..they have had a BF line around the place today that could compete with the outlet mall..ADD its double whammy chemo day ..wasn't mentally ready for that ...it's not a commitment it's a acceptance ...a surrendering if you will..and an empowering strength at the same time ...fire.... water #balance I'm sure the double whammied steroids will be speakin through me later I'll share that clarity MOment then... Right now I need to focus on not biting anyone...that and typing on this phone just seems to add to my get chompy state of mind... TY for all the #LOVE

November 22...tough week..hot cancer mess.

November 22
...tough week
...middle fingers double barreled to you cancer...double.... barreled!!
Too many individual notes with the same questions...so hopefully you will all see your answer here...consider please while choosing what to say when ...really helps when they are asked here so others who know may share info...some of you are in more constant contact then others...

THIS LAST WEEK been noted ...I've been "quiet"... ...cause the cancer ache to the marrow wasn't enough I guess got a heavy hammer dropped from almost shoulder high onto big left toe earlier in the week will probably loose the nail.. so gross ...new one for me looks DISGUSTING ..big toe of course.....been hobbling everywhere. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal...right now... No immune system...infection issue...Big deal. 

..followed by a bladder infection few days later... No immune system....antibiotics= probable yeast beast ...yay!!! Not so much. ...and just a day later add chemo mouth sore by way of an abscess aka infection around a broken tooth back right of mouth face swelled up like a squirrel storing winter nuts lopsided right side only balancing the nice left side hobble ..sexy...ohh sooo sexy...MOre not muching......again no immune system= another antibiotic (YBx2..given now) ...fortunately swelling is already down 48 hrs in on the antibiotics and just when we thought the trifecta of F#@kery had come to a final count ....add the new side kicker chemo affect Palmar-Plantar Erythrodysesthesia; PPE: aka Hand-Foot Syndrome aka numb/tingly fingers/toes and so far peeling bottom of feet... not good...can come with/at the cost of permanent nerve damage and my being able to paint or walk properly... yes I DID say paint 1st ... we want to get the cancer into remission... without destroying what I live to be able to do.

Hot cancer mess.
..ended "my week" ( they run Thursday to Thursday in my chemo world) with a moment of fear that my one and only was buried somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas...he's my kid...its very possible. (insert patented "ya know" Mo raised eyebrow here comboed with stern mothering looks for him when he reads)

SO THIS WEEK They canceled my chemo even though it was a light week so I am having a mandatory week off because after blood work it was clear my blood counts white red platelets etc etc were all too low to do it safely and because of the PPE as it can cause perm nerve damage ..we are also going to lower the chemo back again next few sessions see how I do... didn't really want to ..dont want it to last longer just want to power through it and be done..but i understand I NEED to and the difference between NEED>want ...learned that one along time ago ...I'll try and pretend its a vacation of sorts 

On the humble side my lesson learned now...that will curtail some of my why me whining... I CAN feel worse then just the chemo routine...and all of this WILL get worse before it gets better...be ready. My warrior status ...individually they could all bring even the strong down ...not to mention the stage 3c cancer alone...but I AM STILL HERE ...and retaining my snarkey sense of humor ...middle fingers double barreled to you cancer ...double barreled!!...and that's pretty much where I am at. 

Til later...LOVE

November 15 Chemo Friday #5

November 15
Chemo Friday #5...sorry I didn't get this post in earlier ...I was awake since 2 am this morning ..the steroids had me ...just so you get the depth...I was in the kitchen baking ...(inside joke chuckles) making gingerbread cookies at 7 am...anyone really knows night owl me ...7 am normally I'm still staring at the back of my eyelids ...but everything's changed...everything...when this is over the person I was will no longer exist who I become and where that journey begins is still to be determined ..but it is MY intention that MANY years will be spent here discovering the new ME.
Chemo went really smooth no reaction I think we might be over that hump ..shorter session today forgot it was chemo lite aka only the Taxol so not the whole 6+..only 5 (Hey that hour+ is a million years with that ish pumping into your veins trapped in a chair)...while I am not taking any weeks off ..straight through ..we are running the 3 week cycles ...last week was heavy... today lite ...22nd will be lite too ...28th will be the ugly one again...

I cried a lot today ...but in the waiting room ..in the treatment center I'm very young...and its apparently in my "favor" ..most everyone around me was really elderly today ...the tears were mainly for them ...listening to them there again ..3rd time back... chemo ..radiation ..poisons ..these are NOT Golden years. I learn my statistics ..that that whole 5 years is less about me living living and more about years of remission ...and then having to do this again...here's to believing the next 5 yrs will find a cure ..cause I don't think I can do this again..its like willingly sitting down and letting someone shove bamboo skewers... under every one of your nails...every week ...lemme repeat willingly 

I'm forgetting things now..chemo brain...about the only thing they forewarned me that would happen... that has happened ...not going to talk about the others by names and give them energy ..as you can see one is thinner but still here ...like me ...loosing too much weight still ..80ish lbs since surgery ...nutritionist came and saw me today ...I need to eat 100 grams protein daily ..DAILY....uhhh already gagging down food constantly... Fortunately those new wheys are 42g each and these wonderful ladies each bought and sent me a case THANK YOU Krysti and Sherrin ... still I had to go back "on the meat"...I was so proud of how vegi I was...but I need to have high protein foods ...anyone research willing or protein savvy...suggestions welcome especially if they can get me back off the meat...I'm avoiding sugars besides natural and even them more and more ...they feed cancer so anything from the savorly bland side preferred..and 

..I have night shade allergies ..no tomatoes potatos eggplants peppers etc ..yes it sucks royally.
I was too busy this morning doing and gingerbread cookie making packin chemo snacks and talking about everything and nothing all at once...didn't get a chance to paint my face ...didn't care actually truth told this ish has had me lil broke down this week kives and needles...gonna have to paint that too ...so yeah my "tired/wired" is showing ..technically I'm probably asleep right now just cant feel it...gonna go work on my elephant while the chemo in my veins is "fresh"

...LOVE you all so much

November 14 Do I take them now and twitch all night.

November 14
...Thursday steroid day. Do I take them now and twitch all night...or try and take a nap wake up at midnight and take them then... I'm leaning toward the later they said as long as I have them in me by midnight for "Chemo Friday" ...and the steroid/Benadryl combo that makes me think I can fly...my Papa is taking me tomorrow doing the 6+ with me...lil snarkery for my musically inclined ...LOVE

November 8 steroid twitchy

November 8
Been up since 4ish steroid twitchy... Gave me plenty of time to paint my face look lil more human... Headed to chemo #4 Monks going to stay the 6+ hrs with him mama today ...brought art stuff and bones with us#lowandslow #chemofriday Now that we are settling into a routine I've got thoughts for friends for the weekends (aka 1st couple days after chemo are the best...miss you guys kibble at the casa like some of us use to... Remember...#meMOrays) I'll concept share later... Just needed to feel as "comfortable" as I could with all this first update you soon ... #LOVE

November 7 Nights are the hardest.

November 7
Nights are the hardest. Sometimes I cry just because I'm exhausted alone sore and there is no one there to hold me intimately, to allow me to emotionally tap out.. But as I watched the pain across partners faces last few chemo appointments I realized too I'm not putting another person through that emotional pain either... for "them" it's better I actually don't have a partner...there isn't someone laying next to me worrying wishing they could take my pain. If you do...if you are half of a couple....acknowledge them with a little extra just cause#LOVE someday they will really need it.

November 6 Messed myself up today

November 6
Messed myself up today some...earlier I looked up Ovarian Cancer originally looking for more foods I can add to my diet that fight it and made the mistake of reading my "chances statistics blah blah " via the ACS (American Cancer Society)... For me stage lllc......35% .....been trying to keep it together head positive I've been behind some slim odds ..blasted statistics out of the universe before... its always possible...and so I put on music and was "OK" until...heard his voice ...before I could get to it to change it ...as I listened to him... which made me look at the pictures ...I remember standing there outside his memorial with those folks ...our friends...even remember hearing myself say with intense passion ...we NEED to be doing what we are here to be doing it could be any one of us next. ...never even thinking I could be talking about myself.... Did I manifest this challenge?!?!... not being negative...but making myself face real..very good chance I will be seeing him before most of you do ....I CAN say I have been doing what I was put here to do...I DO feel like I#LIVED up to what I said ...I have always wanted a party when it comes..a celebrations with all my favs ...no crying allowed...I suppose I'm going to have to talk to a few of you let you know... what for when...some will read that and think it means I'm not fighting ...those that know me just know I obsess over details and 360 angles that and..basically I'm a control freak when it comes to how I am represented lol...I like to see the whole picture..be at peace with the possibilities all ending up positive...I feel good that I have NO regrets re: my work, being an artist...I walk like I talk..and for years I have been painting myself with wings.

November 4 You should be grateful

November 4

"You should be grateful for the time." ...time seems to be a repeating message today...how much you have...how your using it.... Or maybe I'm just very aware my expiration date got pushed visible closer. As fast as I painted....as many as I painted at a time ..over the years I always felt I was making up for lost time or felt there would never be enough ...truth I've been heard saying this before ...time is so short, and I had wasted so much time trying to "BE" for other people ..., while I'm laying here like this fighting cancer knowing for a fact that yes...life as you know it can be taken from you, reading your frustrations via timeline how much energy we give to the negative repeatedly... I feel the need to say to YOU: this is YOUR life... Live it for you WHY are you wasting it on "that"...step away remove yourself from it ....go do that thing you always wanted to do and do it for the joy of it without comparing it to anyone else... Go paint draw write run laugh dance fill your days with things you love ....#LIVE while you can

November 3 trying to remain positive but £@#%!!!

November 3
Steroids have definitely worn off crashed early but been mostly awake since 2am painful cramps in my gut waking up feeling like your being stabbed & the knife is twisting...obviously not restful...said it before it's not the cancer that breaks you down it's the side affects of these damn "cures" ... Being slowly tortured on a maybe. Trying to remain positive but £@#%!!!

November 2 #minisolodancepartylite

November 2
Returning to some normality ...I realized ..one of the reasons I felt so out of sorts..."normally" ..I have music on 20 out of 24 hrs a day somewhere always on ...between the hospital stay and coming home...I forgot to turn it back on..and at times intentionally turned it off because the pain kept me from being able to enjoy it ...but I caught myself having a #minisolodancepartylite the other day...started crying when I realized it actually...I could finally kinda dance again..could "enjoy" MOving again ...#HUGE ...right here right now ..on random still steroid amped not over doing it ....but definitely doing it ...MUCH LOVE

...overloaded on the steroids still... I can't hold still been wide awake since 4 am in a cleaning frenzy ...currently working on getting the lab art ready...1st pic from a magazine i was reading during chemo ...got me thinking about the big pink elephant thats always n the room since my diagnosis and then also ..2nd pic...my deep attraction to the hindu god Ganesha know as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesha)....swirlin it around in brain batter figuring out how to smear him on a canvas contectively ...#gottapainttobreathe

November 1 Dear steroids Chemo round #3

November 1
Dear steroids, Thank you for letting me get a few hrs/zzz.. I would be more then happy to grab a few more from you ...but if not I'll also be grateful for what I got, they were much needed... My crankiness was starting to annoy myself.

Chemo round #3 wish me luck no allergic reaction ...breathing is alway a beautiful thing... So much steroids in me I'm talking a million miles a minute. #herewego #chemosucks

#LIKEABOSS ....done.....5 hrs latter....no problems "low n slow" was said so many times it's our new MOtto ...I am so amped up and tired right now I am probably already asleep but am too amped up to know if ...Humm feels like when the insomnia has me cause I need to paint ...had light bul bs over my head exploding like stadium lights I know the series now...I think it will be my bhm feb show focus.., if I start now I can use it to help pull myself through this... Signs so many signs right there if front of me I couldn't see/hear not dialed into the right frequency. #gottapainttobreathe