October 15
It's not really the cancer that breaks you down... It's the side effects of and the "cures" ...I've been "online quiet" just trying to focus... Make it through "today"... ready myself for tomorrow. Can't really look to far past that. This pain riddled MOment is it.. With a blurry "maybe" just out of hands grasp. I can't relate to life as it was...so dramatically different and yet simplified to some very raw quality of life basics ... Can we get any food in... Is waste coming out..how many days has it been ...how much pain "What is your pain level 1-10 ?" always floating in between the other questions. Trying to maintain some sense of positivity despite all that and the hormonal chemical reality of being gutted like a fish...because cancer by its self wasn't reason enough to feel emotionally hysterical ...days are centuries tar and feathered in pain layered in questions ...simple things taking forever... And in the same time precious MOment flying past...feeling wasted waiting... I think I'm going to cut off what's left of my hair today. Chemo starts Thursday.
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