September 15
The mind is willing... But the body is unable, this will not be a journey for the weak. I'm not going to go have a surgery and everything will be all better next week...I'm going to get cut open breastbone to pubic bone and then have every bit of cancerous tissue they can cut out of me removed along with a full hysterectomy lymph-nodes... slamming me into the menopause I thought I was starting early (the irony)...if I'm lucky I leave the hospital with a valve or plug in my side instead of a colostomy bag,.. over the next 3 weeks of healing from surgery ...my ascites (fluid in my abdominal cavity) will most likely return.. they will then for the next six months repeatedly use that valve to pump me full of poison in hopes of killing the rest of the cancer surgery couldn't remove...and potentially my immune system ...minus the immune part that's the "if I'm lucky" version. I've been living with my mother working as her caretaker ... For the last year ... now suddenly she and my son are mine...while they put up a good front I can see it in their eyes every time they look at me. The pain they feel seeing mine ....My brother Gabriel Jones and I are writing my will Wednesday...to discuss what I want done with my work..,personal possessions..my remains. Because it needs to be done just in case ....he his wife family all have the same look in their eyes I have to find some kind of balance in all this ....fighting... but not being afraid...face the reality of possibilities ...this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life... This time I will be literally fighting for it....My Life. I've stayed for the MOst part relatively strangely numb.., with random hysterical breakdowns....everything I just typed painfully sinking in over the last week... Feeling trapped inside a body no longer mine.., the brain races ahead the body breaks down... I've always tried to be the one who helped others ... And now I am the one needing the help... surgery to recovery could easily take over a year..My Mom Leslie Anne and my Monk Josh Jones will need all the help they can get just as much tomorrow as 6 months from now ...
please if willing connect with them and my brother and figure out how you can help... from laundry to bills to holding their hand while they cry...I ask too that any benefits now or later you might put together that you contact and include them as well. My mother Leslie is really having a hard time...a retired nurse she understands the medical terminology instantly and knows too many details...
I am her 1st born her 1st baby..and she being a cancer survivor herself ...she is tortured trying to face the reality of the pain I am going through what she knows I am about to experience... And that she may have to watch her child die. .... This healing MOvement will not be a journey for the weak those of you who do come help..will be dealing with the same..you'll have to marinate on the reality of it all while deciding how you can help...I love you all SO much. I whole heartedly THANK YOU now for what you have all done so far and will do as this journey continues.....ALL of my LOVE"
-Mo
The mind is willing... But the body is unable, this will not be a journey for the weak. I'm not going to go have a surgery and everything will be all better next week...I'm going to get cut open breastbone to pubic bone and then have every bit of cancerous tissue they can cut out of me removed along with a full hysterectomy lymph-nodes... slamming me into the menopause I thought I was starting early (the irony)...if I'm lucky I leave the hospital with a valve or plug in my side instead of a colostomy bag,.. over the next 3 weeks of healing from surgery ...my ascites (fluid in my abdominal cavity) will most likely return.. they will then for the next six months repeatedly use that valve to pump me full of poison in hopes of killing the rest of the cancer surgery couldn't remove...and potentially my immune system ...minus the immune part that's the "if I'm lucky" version. I've been living with my mother working as her caretaker ... For the last year ... now suddenly she and my son are mine...while they put up a good front I can see it in their eyes every time they look at me. The pain they feel seeing mine ....My brother Gabriel Jones and I are writing my will Wednesday...to discuss what I want done with my work..,personal possessions..my remains. Because it needs to be done just in case ....he his wife family all have the same look in their eyes I have to find some kind of balance in all this ....fighting... but not being afraid...face the reality of possibilities ...this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life... This time I will be literally fighting for it....My Life. I've stayed for the MOst part relatively strangely numb.., with random hysterical breakdowns....everything I just typed painfully sinking in over the last week... Feeling trapped inside a body no longer mine.., the brain races ahead the body breaks down... I've always tried to be the one who helped others ... And now I am the one needing the help... surgery to recovery could easily take over a year..My Mom Leslie Anne and my Monk Josh Jones will need all the help they can get just as much tomorrow as 6 months from now ...
please if willing connect with them and my brother and figure out how you can help... from laundry to bills to holding their hand while they cry...I ask too that any benefits now or later you might put together that you contact and include them as well. My mother Leslie is really having a hard time...a retired nurse she understands the medical terminology instantly and knows too many details...
I am her 1st born her 1st baby..and she being a cancer survivor herself ...she is tortured trying to face the reality of the pain I am going through what she knows I am about to experience... And that she may have to watch her child die. .... This healing MOvement will not be a journey for the weak those of you who do come help..will be dealing with the same..you'll have to marinate on the reality of it all while deciding how you can help...I love you all SO much. I whole heartedly THANK YOU now for what you have all done so far and will do as this journey continues.....ALL of my LOVE"
-Mo
No comments:
Post a Comment