May 20 2018 Rosanna Rosannadana

Meant to share this earlier ..but its been a very emotional day...weekend...last almost 5 yrs

 ...Rosanna Rosannadana better known as Gilda Radner died in 1989 today from Ovarian Cancer.

...I will be starting the parp inhibitors again tomorrow night

 ..have to sit around all day MOnDAY waiting for the fed-ex person 

some time between 8am-8pm to sign for the meds kinda ish .

..but who am I kidding...not like I go anywhere anyway 

good home spaness should happen though...

Yes I said again ......didn't share the 1st try ...it was very unsuccessful

...I was horribly sick and basically fell apart after months of being brave 

and being strong ..it was too much...a few of you noted my absence ..

....these parp inhibitors were supposed to be 

easy breezy extend my remission for meezzy 

blah blah blah .. their not...I was sick just like chemo ...and might be 

2 weeks-2 months straight as my body "acclimates" 

...pretty sure that's not how they were originally sold to me.

I'm currently struggling not to stay down/depressed.

.....choices ...be sorta sick all the time so I dont have to be really sick 

sooner then later translates to ...would you like me to shoot you in this foot...

or the other foot???...I also don't get to see the shrink I was seeing anymore

 because I'm no longer on "in the vein/hardcore" chemo ...but the new place 

their sending me doesn't have room right now...soooo maybe in a month 

"hang in there" they said over cheery when hanging up...meanwhile I'm popping

 anti depressants every 12 hrs trying to ..."hang in there"...because what else 

can I do trying not to focus on the negatives ...easier said then done. 

Positive vibes for tomorrow night ...next couple of months .. 

I really want these to help me stay in remission longer.

May 18, 2018

don't wait for something 

like cancer to force change...

do not allow yourself to stagnate.

4/24/18 Love Notes

LOVE notes from my GrandDoodle

Found out GREAT NEWS yesterday ...

I AM OFFICIALLY 

BACK IN REMISSION 

AND DONE WITH CHEMO!

My numbers are low enough I don't need to do the last infusion.

I will start the parp inhibitors in about a month. pills twice a day 
for the rest of my life, until they stop working or they find a cure
...along with some anti depressants, as I am dealing with some
 emotional issues, both re: cancer and life so far... which I have
 decided to also see a shrink on the regular too.. both A LOT for me
 to face and confront..but hiding it/from it doesn't heal it either.

Focusing my warrior energy on believing/knowing that they will
 help me to have a much longer remission 
Dr. suggested closer to 2 yrs...IF...

IF I can deal with the "chemo like side affects"..that's the trade off...
 long remission/not having chemo = to feel like your doing chemo.
She said some people acclimate to the drug and the side affects
 may go away/lessen after a few months ... here's to pos. energy 
I wont be one of those battling side affects

 ...right now I am celebrating the MOment.

cancer 0 < that artist chic 3

No break....still work to do 

...time to get my immune system back 

and heal my body from chemo

Thank YOU everyone who has helped me

from positive healing/fighting energy to in person

..words are not enough ...but 

THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU!!

June 3, 2016 The Matrix

Spent the afternoon in acupuncture feeling something like this scene from The Matrix

Chemo Day 1: 12/31 Ending the year with a bang.

Still Steroided out ...new steroid routine....new chemo lab, mostly new medical team...home town ... OHSU this time. Same old bad dream...Late stage 3C Ovarian cancer.  New twist ..... Reoccurrence. Not very encouraging.

They wear the hazmat suits here when they brining it all in and connect the chemo ...that just drives home what we are really doing. 

My nurse explaines to me, they wear them because if it gets on their skin it can burn right through, and as she doesn't have cancer....right. As she's pre hooking me up to pump this same dangerous poison INTO my body THROUGH my veins for the next few hours to kill the cancer trying to kill me I try to stare out the window and pretend I'm not thinking about dying while watch seagulls dip and dive...the steroids and premed  snow working their way into my bloodstream kind of give them tracers... My imagination lends them color.

We exchange small talk trying not to focus on what is and unintentionally I keep returning to the raw reality... Bucket lists what comes next ... Tears and I keep apologizing like. Some how I could have stopped this... I feel like I'm torturing them trying to hold on... So I could be here longer with them.

 Munkee gets to come with me now...and we had a private room service animal emotional support ...my nurse kind burst into the room hazmated from head to toe holding my bag if toxins out from her .. Suprized him and his cute lil less then 5 lbs decided she was dangerous and NOT touching me jumped up stood across me with every intention of protecting "mommy" with every fiber of his long tubular wennie body ....for 5 seconds he was ALL Doberman ...secretly cute for me ... So much love for me in his little tiny body.... Not as cute for the nurse she didn't admit it but I'm pretty sure she tinkled in her pants some. He sounded like a very big vicious dog.

 After convincing him she was ok ...he laid in my lap soaking up the sun coming through the window a for the next few hours...a luxury we don't have in our studio...  I then listened to him, and my papa snoring out of tune with the clicking whirling of the chemo pumps...noise from the rest of the lab and the seagulls outside the window all conducting strange melody I've gotten too familiar with .. The trying not to die song. 

At least for the MOment they both knew peace.

Reality Check... One two one two

Thank you all that are sticking with me through this .. Second round with ovarian cancer ....here we go ... again. 

Your support gives me strength and if nothing else ...may my battle give you knowledge so ovarian cancer will stop being known as the silent killer and some day maybe even curable. 

Dr appointment today to see if I've healed enough from surgery to start chemo... I'll update ASAP 

I'll start blogging more often soon... Documenting the battle helps me step back and observe so to speak 

However...for now the meds they sent me home on from surgery for this bad boy ...(filleted back open along the original scar chest to pelvis pulled tighter and then 8 other places in a square around my guts where biological mesh is sewn threw tacking it in place to hold my guts in. ...and 2 drain holes)

....have had me in and out of it sleeping 18/24... With some crazy ass stick to you dreams that seem SOOO real....I mean I'm an artist with a pretty vivid imagination but hairless/patchy translucent kittens ...too much!! 

These Meds got my brain all over the place... mad at people for things that never happened except in my dreams... 

Very emotional to begin with... Like my real reality isn't enough already.

The NOW

This isn't about saving my life anymore... I'm dying... Cancer is killing me....unless some pretty awesome ish happens in the next 12-24 months... That may be all I have left. I am dying in the way I have always been most afraid of long slow painful... Maybe on some sub-level I was so afraid of it because I knew it was coming for me? Who knows...

Now ... Is about battling for some MOre time...another day with my granddaughter....Being able to be here long enough to see my grandson be born ....if I'm really lucky to see him walk. A few MOre days to smear paint on canvas... MOre time to snuggle my Munkee...spend time withy loved ones ...Make a few MOre meMOrays ...before I exit stage right. 

Not a good look...micro growth.

Home from the hospital... Surgery went well ...3 hernias fixed...

Unfortunately more cancer found then seen on the catscan.

My pelvis is covered in a sheet of micro growths.

Not a good look for my long term life expectancy.

Round 2 chemo starts in a few weeks...not new news really...

Just more painfully real.

It Begins Again ..Round 2 ..Cancer Returned

We've spent the last few months getting ready for major hernia surgery, as part of it last week we went in to pre surgical prep to make sure I was healthy enough for surgery.  I asked them to add a ca125 the blood work just to make sure before surgery, and I get a call the next day from my cancer team wanting me to come in for more tests... turns out the cancer has returned my ca125 came back 102... those of you who followed my battle round one you most likely remember healthy/in remission is under 30. 

March would have been 2 years in remission of my 5 year life expectancy.

Spent the weekend bawling my ass off....waiting.

Monday to confirm it I spent the day at the hospital doing tests, seeing Drs. had a full torso catscan and they found a new growth upper right side of my abdomen a little larger then a pea.

Tuesday I shut down laid in bed all day crying trying to accept my results and mentally prepare myself for what it to come.

Today I am still numb trying to wrap my brain around what is here and what may come of it....writing this "documenting"..distancing myself and "observing" the process seemed to help before ...and if not me maybe it will help others.

In light of this new cancer growth... plans change...expand ...now the surgery on 12/9/2015 will be a tag team ordeal ...1st Dr will be removing the newly found cancer, the second Dr to mush everything back where it belongs... and apparently I may loose my belly button this time.

Similar to last time 3 weeks to heal and then another long painful dance with a different chemo cocktail ...FUN...not ..considering I'm still burnt and trying to recover from Round 1.

Round 2 .... My survival rate goes down greatly, length of life shorter...1st time I readied myself for death...accepted the probability.... While we all know it comes for us someday I don't want to die ...not any day soon.... and soon is right up in my face.

 Unlike last time I am in Portland this time, on the waterfront and will be getting treatment at OHSU, so local friends can be more involved in helping if you would like to.

As before I'm going to need love support help, at the same time space and understanding, and respect... I'm fighting for my life literally. 

Good news I've done this once already ...so I know what to expect to a degree and we are prepping already ...bad(er) news I've done this already ...so I know whats coming.

Like before I'll be blogging my story but this time it will be here and sharing links (via social media links there on the right side) If you would like to help by purchasing my work or making a donation links to ebay and paypal are there on the right side. I will not be using one of those donation sites as they take a large % of the donations unless someone knows of one that does not. You can also make donations in any Wells Fargo Bank to 

THE DONATION ACCOUNT FOR ARTIST MO

Account number:  1194008650

 For friends local email me if you have time/want to help/ and how you can and as it gets closer and as what help is needed is determined myself or someone helping will contact you. Thank you in advance and as always...

 LOVE

Sept 10 2015 Gonna take more then a bandaid to fix this

Dr appt. again today, this time with a gut guy.... 

Nothing like exposing yourself to a complete stranger so he can fondle your gut...or in my case .... my hernias...Bad ones. 

...already knew it ..been living with them for months now....sucks to have the worst ..well second to the worst I guess...if worst was "inoperable" ...confirmed...then again there are much much worse scenarios ...So hernia's mine are called "Incisional hernias" unfortunately their too large and too complicated to correct Laparoscopically ...so....

Short n raw their going to cut me back open along the dotted line shove my guts back into place put/pull all my muscle tissue back together where they should be cut what needs to be cut sew back together what needs to be sewn and then slap in some mesh to hold all my ish in place which should give me a very small % that the hernia will come back.

4 days in the hospital and then similar 2-3 months recovery time like my cancer surgery...  Difference this time... I've already done this once so I know its going to suck elephant size gonads.. Might not change the bowel issues I have either ..that might be for life because of the chunk they had to cut out.   BUT at least there's no chemo/cancer following it either  ...focus on the positive.

Positive... When I recover I will be able to enjoy what I have left...run etc maybe even. Meanwhile I have to find a way around/through the pain to work out and drop double digits so he's "got some extra room to maneuver"....might even get a lil tummy tuck bonus when its all said and done.

#NOTETOSELF: I NEED to stop letting the "can it seriously get any worse??" thought cycle have access to manifest ..this is enough. Embracing LIFE looking forward.

New Year no fireworks steroided to the gills

        "No...Not Again" 2015

       Ovarian  Cancer Round 2 

Dec 6 2013 Chemo day

December 3 Genetic testing is a HUGE

December 3
I  can not tell you how important this is...breast cancer runs in my family never thought I would have Ovarian...Genetic testing is a HUGE step ...get tested get tested get tested ...the help it will give your future generations ..male and female might be life saving.

November 29 2013 need to focus on not biting anyone

November 29

I really dislike the whole "black" Friday title ...and yes before someone smart feels they need to tell me that it means being financially clear not in the red blah blah blah ...let's be real NO ONE out shopping is "in the black"....It's a whats not going to be in your wallet if its not already "holiday" ...."That" energy is out there emass and I had to travel through it ... And it's Chemo Friday. Had to do it today in as different place then normal got here at 10:30 didn't get plugged in until noon they are just hooking up my second chemo...The people are different ..they wear a damn hazmat looking kit when changing the bags...#TMF Doesn't exact strengthen the trust bond we already don't have.. 

They left me on the steroids too long before balancing with the Benadryl... Set a angry anxious mood it's hard to shake. NOT their fault ..they have had a BF line around the place today that could compete with the outlet mall..ADD its double whammy chemo day ..wasn't mentally ready for that ...it's not a commitment it's a acceptance ...a surrendering if you will..and an empowering strength at the same time ...fire.... water #balance I'm sure the double whammied steroids will be speakin through me later I'll share that clarity MOment then... Right now I need to focus on not biting anyone...that and typing on this phone just seems to add to my get chompy state of mind... TY for all the #LOVE

November 22...tough week..hot cancer mess.

November 22
...tough week
...middle fingers double barreled to you cancer...double.... barreled!!
Too many individual notes with the same questions...so hopefully you will all see your answer here...consider please while choosing what to say when ...really helps when they are asked here so others who know may share info...some of you are in more constant contact then others...

THIS LAST WEEK been noted ...I've been "quiet"... ...cause the cancer ache to the marrow wasn't enough I guess got a heavy hammer dropped from almost shoulder high onto big left toe earlier in the week will probably loose the nail.. so gross ...new one for me looks DISGUSTING ..big toe of course.....been hobbling everywhere. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal...right now... No immune system...infection issue...Big deal. 

..followed by a bladder infection few days later... No immune system....antibiotics= probable yeast beast ...yay!!! Not so much. ...and just a day later add chemo mouth sore by way of an abscess aka infection around a broken tooth back right of mouth face swelled up like a squirrel storing winter nuts lopsided right side only balancing the nice left side hobble ..sexy...ohh sooo sexy...MOre not muching......again no immune system= another antibiotic (YBx2..given now) ...fortunately swelling is already down 48 hrs in on the antibiotics and just when we thought the trifecta of F#@kery had come to a final count ....add the new side kicker chemo affect Palmar-Plantar Erythrodysesthesia; PPE: aka Hand-Foot Syndrome aka numb/tingly fingers/toes and so far peeling bottom of feet... not good...can come with/at the cost of permanent nerve damage and my being able to paint or walk properly... yes I DID say paint 1st ... we want to get the cancer into remission... without destroying what I live to be able to do.

Hot cancer mess.
..ended "my week" ( they run Thursday to Thursday in my chemo world) with a moment of fear that my one and only was buried somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas...he's my kid...its very possible. (insert patented "ya know" Mo raised eyebrow here comboed with stern mothering looks for him when he reads)

SO THIS WEEK They canceled my chemo even though it was a light week so I am having a mandatory week off because after blood work it was clear my blood counts white red platelets etc etc were all too low to do it safely and because of the PPE as it can cause perm nerve damage ..we are also going to lower the chemo back again next few sessions see how I do... didn't really want to ..dont want it to last longer just want to power through it and be done..but i understand I NEED to and the difference between NEED>want ...learned that one along time ago ...I'll try and pretend its a vacation of sorts 

On the humble side my lesson learned now...that will curtail some of my why me whining... I CAN feel worse then just the chemo routine...and all of this WILL get worse before it gets better...be ready. My warrior status ...individually they could all bring even the strong down ...not to mention the stage 3c cancer alone...but I AM STILL HERE ...and retaining my snarkey sense of humor ...middle fingers double barreled to you cancer ...double barreled!!...and that's pretty much where I am at. 

Til later...LOVE

November 15 Chemo Friday #5

November 15
Chemo Friday #5...sorry I didn't get this post in earlier ...I was awake since 2 am this morning ..the steroids had me ...just so you get the depth...I was in the kitchen baking ...(inside joke chuckles) making gingerbread cookies at 7 am...anyone really knows night owl me ...7 am normally I'm still staring at the back of my eyelids ...but everything's changed...everything...when this is over the person I was will no longer exist who I become and where that journey begins is still to be determined ..but it is MY intention that MANY years will be spent here discovering the new ME.
Chemo went really smooth no reaction I think we might be over that hump ..shorter session today forgot it was chemo lite aka only the Taxol so not the whole 6+..only 5 (Hey that hour+ is a million years with that ish pumping into your veins trapped in a chair)...while I am not taking any weeks off ..straight through ..we are running the 3 week cycles ...last week was heavy... today lite ...22nd will be lite too ...28th will be the ugly one again...

I cried a lot today ...but in the waiting room ..in the treatment center I'm very young...and its apparently in my "favor" ..most everyone around me was really elderly today ...the tears were mainly for them ...listening to them there again ..3rd time back... chemo ..radiation ..poisons ..these are NOT Golden years. I learn my statistics ..that that whole 5 years is less about me living living and more about years of remission ...and then having to do this again...here's to believing the next 5 yrs will find a cure ..cause I don't think I can do this again..its like willingly sitting down and letting someone shove bamboo skewers... under every one of your nails...every week ...lemme repeat willingly 

I'm forgetting things now..chemo brain...about the only thing they forewarned me that would happen... that has happened ...not going to talk about the others by names and give them energy ..as you can see one is thinner but still here ...like me ...loosing too much weight still ..80ish lbs since surgery ...nutritionist came and saw me today ...I need to eat 100 grams protein daily ..DAILY....uhhh already gagging down food constantly... Fortunately those new wheys are 42g each and these wonderful ladies each bought and sent me a case THANK YOU Krysti and Sherrin ... still I had to go back "on the meat"...I was so proud of how vegi I was...but I need to have high protein foods ...anyone research willing or protein savvy...suggestions welcome especially if they can get me back off the meat...I'm avoiding sugars besides natural and even them more and more ...they feed cancer so anything from the savorly bland side preferred..and 

..I have night shade allergies ..no tomatoes potatos eggplants peppers etc ..yes it sucks royally.
I was too busy this morning doing and gingerbread cookie making packin chemo snacks and talking about everything and nothing all at once...didn't get a chance to paint my face ...didn't care actually truth told this ish has had me lil broke down this week kives and needles...gonna have to paint that too ...so yeah my "tired/wired" is showing ..technically I'm probably asleep right now just cant feel it...gonna go work on my elephant while the chemo in my veins is "fresh"

...LOVE you all so much