Sept 28, 2018 OHSU's Biennial Teal Time

Last night I attended/ OHSU had their Biennial Teal Time event for Ovarian Cancer patients, their families and staff of The Women's Center for Health. I was also fortunate enough to be asked to guide a Teal Time Art experience for a little under 100 people who attended...we painted and collaged little 4"x4" canvases together while sharing our stories

.... I say fortunate because I was having a really bad day right before the event happened ...add to it I forgot to take my camera with me...Turns out .. it was one of the best things that could have happened ...instead of standing " outside" what was happening looking for the best picture angle.. I was fully immersed in the experience... barefoot in my paint overalls Munkee at my side...talking with people who have been going through the same things I have....people from different backgrounds coming together.... celebrating each other despite this terrible disease that connects us all ...realizing that at 5 years.. I'm an veteran among the women afflicted there... humbling

They asked me to speak as well ...those of you who know me close.. know how much I LOVE (eye roll) public speaking ...but like I said then and I say every time I do it...the subject /reason I'm speaking is more important then my fear of doing it... I don't like doing it...don't appreciate the herd of elephants moshing in my gut...but it's something I'm willing to do anyway, because it's important.

I gave them a short bio on who I was as a local artist and my story as a cancer patient and then read them the artist statement from the Resistance group show..(I'll post it in comments)

After the speakers those who had not already started painting with us joined and we painted and shared stories and laughs ...and everyone loved Munkee up until the evening ended

Talking with my Dad while he was taking me home ... I kept asking if I had done well and telling him I always feel like what I do is not enough

...just now typing this I burst out in tears realizing "why" called my dad and talked through the emotions... I just wanted my dad to be proud of me...and he is I know he is ..simultaneously I heard myself say " that's one for the bucket list" ..because I was looking for approval through someone else...unable to accept myself as is

...those who know me also know I am very hard on myself nothing is ever good enough .. I could have done more...always room for improvement...could have been...

Top of my bucket list isn't traveling or meeting people 
... it's learning to love and accept myself fully 
as I am for what I am.. I am enough.

Sept 8, 2018 Five years

It's been 5 years... and I am still here.

June 15 , 2018 Checking in...

Checking in ...

Been kinda online absent trying to regulate these parp inhibitors ...messed up a few days ago and missed my nausea meds which sent me spiraling into a 3 day migraine/barfing fit of doing not much more then laying in the dark trying not to barf or have my head implode....which fortunately seems to maybe be over this morning .. in some ways these parps are almost harder then reg chemo ... its like being on day 3-4 chemo EVERY DAY no break no up time...just try to hold on and enjoy the ride until you hopefully acclimate to them and accept the "new norm" ...its been so long I don't remember what "feeling good" feels like... hard to be or feel happy when you feel like crap ...gonna make myself bawl if I keep typing and considering I just got rid of the migraine ..best if I don't...I'm not giving up or falling apart ..I've come too far for that ...just venting.

May 23, 2018 So far...

So far ....the parp inhibitors are staying down...I feel like crap though...earlier after a sip I realized coffee doesn't taste like a good idea so I'm grumpy AF on top of it..working on a headache ...probably caffeine related since I had been making it a bit stronger .. not the spoon melting sludge I used to make but it wasn't tea anymore either ... so laying here trying to distract myself from the constant idea of hurling ... randomly skipping through youtube ....and then cue the waterworks. There are LAYERS of why this MOved me.

Made me think of all of you helping supporting me through what has almost been 5 years... from the always uplifting words to those physically in person, All truth ...I dont think I would still be here if it wasn't for you... I'm better with visuals then words, ....and I am so grateful I am still here to be able to create them awhile longer.. I have a bunch of pics I need to edit...worked a lot on some #artisthealthyself-ness this last week knowing from experience the chemo would knock me on my ass....and it has.

....soon as my stomach settles I'll smear some more of my soul on canvas... the easel calls to me like it used to... bit narcissistic since I'm painting myself for the Resistance show...but its also helping me heal some of the wounds you can't see... helping me take central focus off of cancer helping me reclaim my broken pieces and recreate what that #LIFE looks like for me.

LOVE

May 20 2018 Rosanna Rosannadana

Meant to share this earlier ..but its been a very emotional day...weekend...last almost 5 yrs

 ...Rosanna Rosannadana better known as Gilda Radner died in 1989 today from Ovarian Cancer.

...I will be starting the parp inhibitors again tomorrow night

 ..have to sit around all day MOnDAY waiting for the fed-ex person 

some time between 8am-8pm to sign for the meds kinda ish .

..but who am I kidding...not like I go anywhere anyway 

good home spaness should happen though...

Yes I said again ......didn't share the 1st try ...it was very unsuccessful

...I was horribly sick and basically fell apart after months of being brave 

and being strong ..it was too much...a few of you noted my absence ..

....these parp inhibitors were supposed to be 

easy breezy extend my remission for meezzy 

blah blah blah .. their not...I was sick just like chemo ...and might be 

2 weeks-2 months straight as my body "acclimates" 

...pretty sure that's not how they were originally sold to me.

I'm currently struggling not to stay down/depressed.

.....choices ...be sorta sick all the time so I dont have to be really sick 

sooner then later translates to ...would you like me to shoot you in this foot...

or the other foot???...I also don't get to see the shrink I was seeing anymore

 because I'm no longer on "in the vein/hardcore" chemo ...but the new place 

their sending me doesn't have room right now...soooo maybe in a month 

"hang in there" they said over cheery when hanging up...meanwhile I'm popping

 anti depressants every 12 hrs trying to ..."hang in there"...because what else 

can I do trying not to focus on the negatives ...easier said then done. 

Positive vibes for tomorrow night ...next couple of months .. 

I really want these to help me stay in remission longer.

May 18, 2018

don't wait for something 

like cancer to force change...

do not allow yourself to stagnate.

4/24/18 Love Notes

LOVE notes from my GrandDoodle

Found out GREAT NEWS yesterday ...

I AM OFFICIALLY 

BACK IN REMISSION 

AND DONE WITH CHEMO!

My numbers are low enough I don't need to do the last infusion.

I will start the parp inhibitors in about a month. pills twice a day 
for the rest of my life, until they stop working or they find a cure
...along with some anti depressants, as I am dealing with some
 emotional issues, both re: cancer and life so far... which I have
 decided to also see a shrink on the regular too.. both A LOT for me
 to face and confront..but hiding it/from it doesn't heal it either.

Focusing my warrior energy on believing/knowing that they will
 help me to have a much longer remission 
Dr. suggested closer to 2 yrs...IF...

IF I can deal with the "chemo like side affects"..that's the trade off...
 long remission/not having chemo = to feel like your doing chemo.
She said some people acclimate to the drug and the side affects
 may go away/lessen after a few months ... here's to pos. energy 
I wont be one of those battling side affects

 ...right now I am celebrating the MOment.

cancer 0 < that artist chic 3

No break....still work to do 

...time to get my immune system back 

and heal my body from chemo

Thank YOU everyone who has helped me

from positive healing/fighting energy to in person

..words are not enough ...but 

THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU!!

June 3, 2016 The Matrix

Spent the afternoon in acupuncture feeling something like this scene from The Matrix

Chemo Day 1: 12/31 Ending the year with a bang.

Still Steroided out ...new steroid routine....new chemo lab, mostly new medical team...home town ... OHSU this time. Same old bad dream...Late stage 3C Ovarian cancer.  New twist ..... Reoccurrence. Not very encouraging.

They wear the hazmat suits here when they brining it all in and connect the chemo ...that just drives home what we are really doing. 

My nurse explaines to me, they wear them because if it gets on their skin it can burn right through, and as she doesn't have cancer....right. As she's pre hooking me up to pump this same dangerous poison INTO my body THROUGH my veins for the next few hours to kill the cancer trying to kill me I try to stare out the window and pretend I'm not thinking about dying while watch seagulls dip and dive...the steroids and premed  snow working their way into my bloodstream kind of give them tracers... My imagination lends them color.

We exchange small talk trying not to focus on what is and unintentionally I keep returning to the raw reality... Bucket lists what comes next ... Tears and I keep apologizing like. Some how I could have stopped this... I feel like I'm torturing them trying to hold on... So I could be here longer with them.

 Munkee gets to come with me now...and we had a private room service animal emotional support ...my nurse kind burst into the room hazmated from head to toe holding my bag if toxins out from her .. Suprized him and his cute lil less then 5 lbs decided she was dangerous and NOT touching me jumped up stood across me with every intention of protecting "mommy" with every fiber of his long tubular wennie body ....for 5 seconds he was ALL Doberman ...secretly cute for me ... So much love for me in his little tiny body.... Not as cute for the nurse she didn't admit it but I'm pretty sure she tinkled in her pants some. He sounded like a very big vicious dog.

 After convincing him she was ok ...he laid in my lap soaking up the sun coming through the window a for the next few hours...a luxury we don't have in our studio...  I then listened to him, and my papa snoring out of tune with the clicking whirling of the chemo pumps...noise from the rest of the lab and the seagulls outside the window all conducting strange melody I've gotten too familiar with .. The trying not to die song. 

At least for the MOment they both knew peace.

Reality Check... One two one two

Thank you all that are sticking with me through this .. Second round with ovarian cancer ....here we go ... again. 

Your support gives me strength and if nothing else ...may my battle give you knowledge so ovarian cancer will stop being known as the silent killer and some day maybe even curable. 

Dr appointment today to see if I've healed enough from surgery to start chemo... I'll update ASAP 

I'll start blogging more often soon... Documenting the battle helps me step back and observe so to speak 

However...for now the meds they sent me home on from surgery for this bad boy ...(filleted back open along the original scar chest to pelvis pulled tighter and then 8 other places in a square around my guts where biological mesh is sewn threw tacking it in place to hold my guts in. ...and 2 drain holes)

....have had me in and out of it sleeping 18/24... With some crazy ass stick to you dreams that seem SOOO real....I mean I'm an artist with a pretty vivid imagination but hairless/patchy translucent kittens ...too much!! 

These Meds got my brain all over the place... mad at people for things that never happened except in my dreams... 

Very emotional to begin with... Like my real reality isn't enough already.

The NOW

This isn't about saving my life anymore... I'm dying... Cancer is killing me....unless some pretty awesome ish happens in the next 12-24 months... That may be all I have left. I am dying in the way I have always been most afraid of long slow painful... Maybe on some sub-level I was so afraid of it because I knew it was coming for me? Who knows...

Now ... Is about battling for some MOre time...another day with my granddaughter....Being able to be here long enough to see my grandson be born ....if I'm really lucky to see him walk. A few MOre days to smear paint on canvas... MOre time to snuggle my Munkee...spend time withy loved ones ...Make a few MOre meMOrays ...before I exit stage right. 

Not a good look...micro growth.

Home from the hospital... Surgery went well ...3 hernias fixed...

Unfortunately more cancer found then seen on the catscan.

My pelvis is covered in a sheet of micro growths.

Not a good look for my long term life expectancy.

Round 2 chemo starts in a few weeks...not new news really...

Just more painfully real.

It Begins Again ..Round 2 ..Cancer Returned

We've spent the last few months getting ready for major hernia surgery, as part of it last week we went in to pre surgical prep to make sure I was healthy enough for surgery.  I asked them to add a ca125 the blood work just to make sure before surgery, and I get a call the next day from my cancer team wanting me to come in for more tests... turns out the cancer has returned my ca125 came back 102... those of you who followed my battle round one you most likely remember healthy/in remission is under 30. 

March would have been 2 years in remission of my 5 year life expectancy.

Spent the weekend bawling my ass off....waiting.

Monday to confirm it I spent the day at the hospital doing tests, seeing Drs. had a full torso catscan and they found a new growth upper right side of my abdomen a little larger then a pea.

Tuesday I shut down laid in bed all day crying trying to accept my results and mentally prepare myself for what it to come.

Today I am still numb trying to wrap my brain around what is here and what may come of it....writing this "documenting"..distancing myself and "observing" the process seemed to help before ...and if not me maybe it will help others.

In light of this new cancer growth... plans change...expand ...now the surgery on 12/9/2015 will be a tag team ordeal ...1st Dr will be removing the newly found cancer, the second Dr to mush everything back where it belongs... and apparently I may loose my belly button this time.

Similar to last time 3 weeks to heal and then another long painful dance with a different chemo cocktail ...FUN...not ..considering I'm still burnt and trying to recover from Round 1.

Round 2 .... My survival rate goes down greatly, length of life shorter...1st time I readied myself for death...accepted the probability.... While we all know it comes for us someday I don't want to die ...not any day soon.... and soon is right up in my face.

 Unlike last time I am in Portland this time, on the waterfront and will be getting treatment at OHSU, so local friends can be more involved in helping if you would like to.

As before I'm going to need love support help, at the same time space and understanding, and respect... I'm fighting for my life literally. 

Good news I've done this once already ...so I know what to expect to a degree and we are prepping already ...bad(er) news I've done this already ...so I know whats coming.

Like before I'll be blogging my story but this time it will be here and sharing links (via social media links there on the right side) If you would like to help by purchasing my work or making a donation links to ebay and paypal are there on the right side. I will not be using one of those donation sites as they take a large % of the donations unless someone knows of one that does not. You can also make donations in any Wells Fargo Bank to 

THE DONATION ACCOUNT FOR ARTIST MO

Account number:  1194008650

 For friends local email me if you have time/want to help/ and how you can and as it gets closer and as what help is needed is determined myself or someone helping will contact you. Thank you in advance and as always...

 LOVE

Sept 10 2015 Gonna take more then a bandaid to fix this

Dr appt. again today, this time with a gut guy.... 

Nothing like exposing yourself to a complete stranger so he can fondle your gut...or in my case .... my hernias...Bad ones. 

...already knew it ..been living with them for months now....sucks to have the worst ..well second to the worst I guess...if worst was "inoperable" ...confirmed...then again there are much much worse scenarios ...So hernia's mine are called "Incisional hernias" unfortunately their too large and too complicated to correct Laparoscopically ...so....

Short n raw their going to cut me back open along the dotted line shove my guts back into place put/pull all my muscle tissue back together where they should be cut what needs to be cut sew back together what needs to be sewn and then slap in some mesh to hold all my ish in place which should give me a very small % that the hernia will come back.

4 days in the hospital and then similar 2-3 months recovery time like my cancer surgery...  Difference this time... I've already done this once so I know its going to suck elephant size gonads.. Might not change the bowel issues I have either ..that might be for life because of the chunk they had to cut out.   BUT at least there's no chemo/cancer following it either  ...focus on the positive.

Positive... When I recover I will be able to enjoy what I have left...run etc maybe even. Meanwhile I have to find a way around/through the pain to work out and drop double digits so he's "got some extra room to maneuver"....might even get a lil tummy tuck bonus when its all said and done.

#NOTETOSELF: I NEED to stop letting the "can it seriously get any worse??" thought cycle have access to manifest ..this is enough. Embracing LIFE looking forward.

New Year no fireworks steroided to the gills

        "No...Not Again" 2015

       Ovarian  Cancer Round 2 

Dec 6 2013 Chemo day